


A Medley of Fruit and Vegetable

by peppypear



Series: Fruitvengers AU [3]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Drabble Collection, Everybody in this AU is a fruit or veggie and they live in a supermarket, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Food, Friendship, Gen, Humor, M/M, Other, Puns & Word Play, Randomness, Romance, im not a fruitfucker, marvel cinematic fruitniverse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-15 14:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17530421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppypear/pseuds/peppypear
Summary: Adventures featuring the other denizens of Marvel Mart's produce section.Short little scenes that I couldn’t fit into the main AU, so I compiled them into a series of drabbles. Mostly because I wanted an excuse to make stupid fruit jokes.





	1. Pineapple

“So tell me, do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?” Deadpool asked Thor conversationally.

The majestic pineapple chuckled. “Pshaw! You truly have not lived until you've been drenched in the fury of a tropical thunderstorm. Anything less is but a tinkle from the heavens.” 

“Sounds like a date, you bring the watersports, I'll bring the pizza. How about pineapple and anchovy?” Deadpool’s stem waggled suggestively. 

Thor burst into a booming laugh which made his spiky leaves flutter. “That would be a fine dish indeed, my friend!”

“Catch you around, Fine-Apple!” Deadpool bounced away, Thor’s laughter ringing down the aisles.


	2. Armor

Steve studied the mysterious container in front of him suspiciously. The gleaming red-and-yellow vessel was the size of a large grapefruit, with a winking blue LED embedded in the top. Most disconcerting of all was the rattling and banging coming from within.

Despite his apprehension, Steve rooted himself to the ground and ventured a question.

“Tony? Everything okay there?”

“Steve!” The lid of the container popped open, revealing Tony. “Just putting the final touches on Mark 3. With a few more nuts, my fruit protection device will be good to go.”

Relief surged through Steve. The peach had been distant recently, always rolling off to the Accessories aisle to work on some secret project. It was good to finally learn what the source of all the secrecy was. “You built a fruit protection device?”

“Well, the technical name is a fruit guard, because that’s what it does: guard fruits. This one here is my own original design, it’s as strong as armor.”  Keeping the lid open, Tony spun around in the shiny new guard, showing off the product of his labours. “Like the new color job?”

“It's very you.” Steve responded admiringly. The bright red and yellow of the guard complemented Tony’s peachy skin.

“I'm gonna take that as a compliment.”

“I mean it, I never knew contraptions like this were even possible. Your work is amazing.”

Tony flushed a dusky pink. “Heh, what I’m making here is nothing, I patched it together with a bunch of double As and tape. You should see the technology they’ve got in the human world: solar power, hydro power, wind energy, nanites...” Tony shivered. “Actually, scratch that last one. I don’t know what nanites are but it kinda sounds like termites. Brr.”

Steve listened with amusement as Tony’s chatter washed over him. Admittedly, Steve was very green when it came to advancements in technology. He found Tony’s fruit guard impressive enough, especially since it served the important function of protecting Tony from injury. 

Beneath Tony’s mesh jacket, a dark bruise was faintly visible beneath on his velvety skin, an ever-present reminder of their mortality.

Steve pushed the depressing thoughts away and tried to focus on the present. It would be so easy to allow worries to creep up and choke him like a strangler-fig, but he didn't want to miss a single moment with Tony.

Steve rolled up to him, still examining the glossy armor. “You could’ve built it out of old pizza boxes and I'd still be impressed. As long as this fruit guard does its job, I don’t have any concerns.” 

“That's the plan! This armor is gonna help me stay fresh for a long time.” Tony responded cheerfully, the flush of colour high in his skin. “With you.”

“I'm glad.” Steve regarded the blue light emanating from the guard. It was such a pretty shade, the color somewhere between the dreamy blue of pre-sunrise sky and the electric blue of a mosquito lamp. He wondered how Tony had managed it, the peach really was always full of surprises...

“You think that's amazing, watch this!” With that, Tony shut the lid and - to Steve’s horror - rolled straight off the shelf onto the floor with a clunk. 

“Tony!”

The lid popped open, revealing a Tony who was blessedly unharmed. “See? No bruises! This hard shell keeps me from turning into pulp!”

“That’s great, but maybe you should take it easy, Tony. Slow it down.” Steve peered over the edge of the shelf, feeling like he'd had his pips scared out of him.

“No way. Sometimes you gotta drop off the tree before you're ready. Check this out, Steve!” Tony began zooming around the floor like a tiny tank - he'd managed to install some type of battery-powered system to help him get around.

Steve watched fondly as Tony zipped to the end of the aisle, marveling at the amazing contraption his precious peach had created. Where most would have given up in despair, Tony had taken the lemons life had dealt him and invented something wholly new. 

He could always count on Tony to keep things fresh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony’s fruit guard/armor looks something [like this,](https://www.cooliyo.com/media/image/original/by-md5/2/f/2fed5eae3edd9e5793d2289894ce47c7/fruit_guard_1_13.jpg) just imagine it’s red and yellow with the blue Iron Man lights


	3. Kitchen

Wade flattened himself against the grimy wall of the supermarket’s kitchen, waiting for his two targets to draw near. As the red and green figures crossed his path, he sprang out of his hiding place like a jumping bean. “Hola!”

“Sweet mother of Guac!” The avocado almost fell off the counter in shock. “You know this guy, Matt?”

The pomegranate remained unruffled, almost as if he’d known Deadpool had been watching them them the entire time. “How can we help you, Deadpool? My partner and I are happy to assist in any matters pertaining to-”

“No, no, I don’t require any help from you and your avoca-bro filing any peels or appeals.” Deadpool’s shrivelled red head twisted around curiously. “Come to think of it, where is that cute little secretary who tags along with you?”

“Hey, don’t talk about Karen like that, she’s vital part of Nelson-Burdock-Sage, not some second banana.” Foggy responded heatedly.

“Ms Sage’s work as our investigator takes her all over the supermarket. If you’re looking for her, the Daily Kugel might be the best place to start.” Matt explained patiently.

“Cool, cool, but I’m here for you.” The white eye-like seeds in Deadpool’s face waggled around suggestively. “I'm here to talk about your  _ other _ job.” 

Matt tensed. “What other job?”

“See, I've been watching you like a one-take fight scene in a hallway, and I noticed something about the fruit in the black mask. The one with a special interest in keeping the Kitchen safe.” Deadpool wedged himself between the two fruits and nudged Matt. “Do you see what I’m getting at here?”

“This is all conjecture.” Matt responded sourly. “You can quite clearly observe that I'm a pomegranate, whereas the masked fruit in question is of a completely different species.”

“Potato, potato; tomato, tomato!” Deadpool crowed (“You pronounced those exactly the same,” muttered Foggy.). “Any fruit can put on a black napkin and pretend to be somefruit else! And I am 1000% sure my intel is good, I mean, I didn’t beat the pulp out of all those fruits for nothing… hey, would that even be admissible or is it considered fruit of the poisonous tree?”

Foggy wedged himself in between, trying to bump the jalapeno away from his friend. “I’d consider this extortion.”

“Whoa, whoa, you misunderstood me! I'm not here to start shit, I don’t do blackmail!” Deadpool skittered around to face Matt. “I'm here to ask you to join my team of superfruits!” 

“...You have a team.” Matt deadpanned.

“There are.... more like you?” Foggy sounded horrified.

“Weeell, at the mo’ membership only consists of me and a cute little strawberry. But Red Team is always looking for new squadmates!” Deadpool curled his stem around the pomegranate. “Not to sound like I’m cherry-picking, but you’re exactly the kind of fruit we’re looking for. You’re red, I’m red, berry-boy is red; color-coordination is  _ veeeeery _ important for morale!”

Matt regarded Deadpool amusedly. “That sounds exciting, but I don't see color.”

“See? This is the type of all-inclusive, progressive point-of-view that Red Team is all about! You'll fit right in!” Deadpool squealed excitedly. 

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Foggy muttered to Matt as they watched Deadpool caper around in circles like a demented red caterpillar. Matt chuckled and decided to stop beating around the bush.

“Deadpool, you seem to be laboring under a whole crate of assumptions, so let me state this once and for all,” Matt said evenly. “I'm not Peardevil.” 

Deadpool made a sound like banana peels flapping together. “Ugh, fiiiiine, I’ll get you one day. A spot is open for you whenever you feel like dropping in.” the jalapeno skipped off, but just before he rounded the corner, he popped back. “Oh, by the way, your big white friend is rooting up trouble again around the ovens, you might wanna check that out. Like I said, if you need backup, you know who to call. Seeya around, Dare-Pear.”

There was a beat of silence as the pomegranate and avocado allowed Deadpool’s words to sink in. 

“Holy guacamole, Kingpin escaped already? He really doesn’t give up, this is like the tenth time we dumped that crusty old cauliflower into the cooler.” Foggy sighed. 

The spikes at Matt’s crown prickled. He could sense the disturbance now: could hear the distant screams of lettuces wilting in fear being tossed into the hellish ovens, could feel the  _ thunk _ of cabbage heads being lopped off through the vibrations that thrummed through the kitchen’s stainless steel shelves. Rising above it all was the faintly freezer-burned smell of cauliflower past its sell-by date. 

Matt’s skin tightened. If the rotten old cauliflower ran free, the entire Kitchen would be at risk. Kingpin had to be stopped, and as long as Matt had seeds in him, he would do whatever it took to defend the Kitchen. 

“Uh oh, I recognize that stance, you’re planning ways how to get yourself beaten to a pulp.” Foggy turned to his friend wearily. “I know I can’t stop you from being a total potatohead about your personal safety, but please,  _ please _ let this not end in me fishing you out of another dumpster.”

“I can’t guarantee that, Foggy. All that matters is keeping the Kitchen safe.” Matt scanned the shelves, planning the quickest way to get to the scene of the crime. 

Foggy gave himself a shake, back to business again. “I was hoping to get smashed tonight, but I’ll try to dig up any more dirt on Kingpin to see if we can’t box him up for good this time.”

“I’ll be back later, Foggy.”

The pomegranate and avocado turned to head off in opposite directions, off to protect the Kitchen in their own ways.


End file.
